Lessons in Waiter-ing

I have never been a server, so I generally have no business offering tips on how to be a good server.  However, much like the fact that I have never been a parent but still know that you should feed your child in order to qualify as a good parent, and much like Justice Potter Stewart (who was unable to define "hard-core pornography" but noted that, "I know it when I see it"), I was able to compile a list of things one should never do when aspiring to be a good server.

Ben and I went to Outback tonight, and our server appeared to be relatively new and over-eager (this was not, in itself, a problem).  As he was taking my order, he stumbled over his words in asking me what kind of salad I would like and then made a strange noise.  I looked at him quizzically as he gazed heavenward.  When he redirected his eyes in my direction, he said, "Oh, my goodness.  I just had a brain fart and burped at the same time."  Wow, thanks for that lovely image.  Annnnnd I'm no longer hungry.  In case you missed it, that's "what not to do" # 1.

Immediately after that sentence, he says, "Oh, gosh, I just saw your shirt."  I was wearing an Auburn shirt (big surprise).  He follows that up with, "Umm, Roll Tide" and a self-satisfied smirk.  Do I really need to point out that this is "what not to do" # 2?  I don't really give a crap how big a Bama fan you may be, if you are working for tips, you do NOT say those words to someone wearing an Auburn shirt.  Or probably, to be safe, anyone wearing orange and blue in any combination.  Or hell, let's just say avoid saying those words in Knoxville, because I've got it on good authority that UT fans don't take too kindly to them, either.  Plus, this may be the least classy string of utterances that I've ever heard: "I just had a brain fart and burped at the same time.  Roll Tide." 

My response was to look at Ben and say, "We have to move." Unfortunately Ben did not cooperate with me, so my only option was to sit stone-faced every time this chode approached the table and tried to make small talk (just leave the salads and slowly back away, asshole).  His small talk made him sound even more like a moron, as he tried to quote Bear Bryant's famous recruiting pitch against Auburn by calling Auburn "that little college in the pasture down the road."  Really?  Are you trying to take your tip into the negative?  I gave him a withering look and said, "Actually, he called it a cow college."  If you're going to be a "fan," get your shit straight.  Bandwagon half-ass Bama fans are the only thing worse than full-fledged Bama fans.

Now run along and get my food, Harvey, and hold the Spike 80DF.  Oh, and War.  Damn.  Eagle.