BlAUging: I'm sorry, does my offense offend you?

So you may or may not have heard about the asinine proposal made to the NCAA regarding a 10-second runoff of the play clock before the ball may be snapped in college football games.  The proposal is specifically designed to slow the hurry-up offense, which is gaining popularity throughout college football, and allow the defense to make player substitutions before each play.  You see, when the offense makes its own substitutions, the defense is automatically given an opportunity to substitute, and the ball cannot be snapped until they have had that opportunity.  When the offense does not substitute, however, the ball can be snapped at any time.  The proposal would require the offense to wait ten seconds after the play clock starts before it can snap the ball, even when it doesn't make its own substitutions.

You might remember from this post that first-year Arkansas coach Bret Bielema whined about this at SEC Media Days last year, and of course he is one of the people supporting this rule change proposal.  The other?  None other than Nick Saban.  Wow.  Over the past few years, the (admittedly few) teams with which Alabama has struggled have mostly used some form of hurry-up offense.  Well, I guess if you have no excuse for why they beat you, there must be a rule change to keep it from happening again!  Both Saban and Bielema were present in the room when the proposal was discussed and presumably had a chance to talk to the rules committee about the proposal.  As far as I know, none of the hurry-up coaches (or anyone else presenting an opposing view) was invited. 

The most hilarious thing about this entire deal (other than the fact that at least a few people are taking it seriously!) is that Saban and Bielema claim that this new rule must be added in the interest of player safety!  Apparently the hurry-up offense is causing all kinds of carnage on the football field, and I've been missing it all this time!  Wait, you don't actually have any studies or other evidence that the hurry-up causes injury?  Hmm, that's interesting. 

Basically, they are making two arguments.  First, they argue that if the defense can't make substitutions, the poor wittle defensive linemen will get tired, which causes them to use poor technique, which in turn may cause injury. I think I pretty well addressed that argument in the post linked above.  Hello - if the offense isn't substituting its players, they should be just as tired as the defense.  There should be no risk of a "fresher" offensive lineman getting the jump on one of those poor, tired boys on defense and injuring them while they attempt to take a nap to refresh themselves.  Unless our unsubstituted offensive players are "fresher" than your defensive players because your strength and conditioning program isn't as good as ours, but honey, a rule change ain't going to help with that.  "Work, hard work," am I right AU? 

The second argument is that, if the offense is sped up, there will naturally be more plays in the game.  More plays = more opportunities for injury.  Now this is logic I can get behind.  I mean, if there is a certain percentage chance of an injury occurring on each play of the game, the total chance of injury will increase if that percentage is multiplied by 150 plays per game instead of 120.  This is completely unacceptable. Think of the children, for goodness' sake!!  To correct this problem, we not only need this 10-second runoff rule, but I would also propose the following rules:

1. Overtime shall not be allowed.  Lengthening the game in the event of a tie is an unacceptable health risk. 
2. As a matter of fact, we probably should shorten the game to less than four periods.  Hockey only has three periods, and no one ever gets injured in hockey.  What's that you say?  Hockey periods are 20 minutes, thus, their three periods are the same amount of time as four 15-minute quarters in football?  This is clearly unacceptable.  Hockey shall be disallowed forthwith. 
3. Each team shall be given 50 plays per game.  Once all of a team's plays are used, its players must return to the bench and sit out the rest of the game. 
4. Each play that lasts more than five seconds after the ball is snapped will use 1.5 of a team's allotted plays (because the longer a play lasts, the more likely there will be an injury - duh). 

And why stop with safety rules related to the number of plays in the game?  These players need our help, ladies and gentlemen.  No, we can't stop with killing the hurry-up offense.  We must forge ahead to make the game even safer.  Additional proposed rules are as follows:

1. Blitzing shall not be allowed.  As a matter of fact, all defensive players shall stay out of the backfield and shall not engage the offense until the ball has crossed the line of scrimmage.  A sack of the quarterback will result in a 14-point penalty.  That's right.  Not 14 yards, but two touchdowns (and PATs) awarded to the other team.  
2. Receivers shall not be allowed to jump in the air to catch a ball.  When a receiver jumps, he is more likely to be injured when he is hit by a defender.  If he is not hit by a defender, he is likely to injure himself or others upon landing.
3. Actually, let's go further and say that all tackling shall be banned.  The defense may "down" an offensive player only by touching him with one finger.  The finger must be covered with a soft glove to avoid any scratching of the other player.  A touch with more than one finger (or with an ungloved finger) will result in a 15-yard penalty.  Any touch above the shoulders will result in a targeting penalty, which is 15 yards plus the feeding of the offender to the opposing school's mascot.  Wait - crap - that would also result in injury.   
4. Celebrations such as chest-bumping, high-fives, ass-pats, and Gatorade baths shall be disallowed and shall result in forfeiture of the game.  Chest bumping can obviously cause injury, especially when jumping is involved.  High-fives: what if you miss and hit something else?  Horrors!  Gatorade baths: I once had my nose broken by a cousin who threw a piece of ice at me.  Ice is completely unsafe, whether in the air or on the ground.  Ass-pats, if forceful enough, could cause the recipient to pitch forward, injuring himself or others. 
5. Fog machines and other sight-obstructing mechanisms shall not be allowed.  For goodness' sake - I'm pretty sure fog machines have caused more injuries than the hurry-up offense:
   

   
6. Because it seems impossible to completely ensure the safety of these young, vulnerable men, we should probably just have the players play Rook to decide the outcome of the game.  Be careful not to deal those cards too fast, boys.  We wouldn't want anyone to suffer a paper cut!

I'm so very glad we have the brilliant minds of Saban and Bielema to watch out for us all.  Bless you, gentlemen.